Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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