u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
