i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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