Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
