Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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