No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
