ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
