went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
