is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
