Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
