How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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