Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
