I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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