if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
