LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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