Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
