did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
