I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
