first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
