I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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