i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
