well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
