Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I am available for nakedness
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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