That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
