Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
