I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
