just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
