This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and she was petting her beer can
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
