true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
