Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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