I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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