Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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