but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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