how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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