Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
