Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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