Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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