threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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