Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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