OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
