i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
