Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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