Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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