I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
