you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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