Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
