my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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