I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Come on in and take your pants off
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