she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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