i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
