ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
MIDGETS
????
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
