i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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